So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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