I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
