She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
