Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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