Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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