And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
