____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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