If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
