Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
