I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
