i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
