The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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