i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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