My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
