hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
