I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
