And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
