I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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