Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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