every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
