Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
