Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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