dude i'm inner monologue high
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
