I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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