Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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