why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
