so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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