On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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