He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
