my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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