My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just gargled with NyQuil
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