The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
