I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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