you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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