You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
