Apparently you make a good broom.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
