well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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