he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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