We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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