I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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