I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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