my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
