After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
