I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
