I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
