i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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