the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I touched a dick in church today
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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