Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Watching her eat just hurts me
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
