Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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