Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
