I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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