Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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