he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
