Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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