if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
