I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
