That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
