i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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